Deciding to give up booze for the whole of 2023 seemed like a wild idea when I first began mentioning it.
Because, for me, really it was.
I drank at least three times a week and often more than that. A session consisted of at least a bottle of wine or prosecco and predominantly more.
I didn't even share my mission with many, mainly because I had no idea if I could do it and I didn't want to pile on a load of pressure on myself.
This is going to sound dramatic but a life without alcohol, at this point, honestly seemed like one not worth living. Most things, almost and maybe all things, without the option of boozing along the way just seemed a bit pointless.
At best, an alcohol-free future felt dulled down, with a reduced glow of possibility for fun and excitement.
An awareness of this attitude was one reason for my curiosity.
How had I got to this point?
It seemed a little, well, pathetic.
An awareness of this attitude was also a concern of mine. Could my love for wine, and alcohol in general, become a problem in the future?
Once upon a time, around thirty years ago when I was still a child, I enjoyed life for the sake of it, without the need or desire for alcohol.
Could I rediscover that feeling?
It was just going to be one of each day in the grand scheme of things - it was only one birthday, one Christmas, it was only one of each day sober (one Jan 1st, one Jan 2nd, one Jan 3rd etc.) and surely I could do that? I'd not once celebrated a birthday sober as an adult, possibly since the age of fourteen. The same applied to holidays, festivals, and basically every single occasion, whether good or bad. Every event involved drinking. For over twenty years.
Once I began thinking this way it unlocked a lot of ammunition.
My stubbornness can be an advantage.
I still didn't publicise my mission but if it came up in conversation, any disbelief displayed by others only further fuelled my determination.
Additionally, I'm a nonconformist by nature so the more I educated myself about alcohol, the more motivated I became to take on this sober year and succeed.
So what sort of started as a suggestion, and one to a degree inspired by really not wanting to do another challenge that involved running for miles, soon became an actual commitment.
I ended 2022 with a Martini Espresso and a blooming fear of failure.
Because I really loved alcohol.
Whether socially or alone, drinking was a huge part of my life experience.
I reckoned the hardest part would be resisting a night in with only a bottle of wine for company. I loved nothing more than getting steadily drunk and writing poetry or dancing on my pole.
At this point, I had no grasp on how many ways my perspective would change.
And at this stage I had a whole range of doubts; from how I'd cope in general to the reaction of friends when I shared that I wouldn't be drinking during this festival or that birthday celebration.
I was concerned I'd lose interest in the initial battle and cave after Dry January was through.
Whether my own raised awareness kept me vigilant, or whether I was just ready for this development, January became February and February rolled into March and overall it was far easier than I'd anticipated.
But as much as I didn't really struggle with the not drinking part, I didn't feel any significant benefits in the first twelve weeks or more, either.
Other than the obvious. No hangovers.
And I still experienced something similar at this point, although not as extreme. A general exhaustion followed social gatherings and busy events.
I even remember suffering with bad anxiety on an evening and thinking, well, it's not the alcohol then, it must just be me.
It was disappointing because I thought there'd be notable positive impacts all-round, especially on my mental health, which was another contributor to my initial motivations.
I'd heard that for ADHD type people, an alcohol-free life can be particularly beneficial. Yet I still felt particularly crazy.
At this stage I was sticking with it for purely experimental reasons - could I do it?
If I can impart anything here, be clear about your aims and motivations.
My aim was to do the full year which was helpful in the sense that I wasn't pining in a way I might be if I was doing a week at a time and waiting for the weekend. A year seemed so far away that my brain just let go of the idea I'd be drinking anytime soon.
My motivation was always to prove to myself I could do it. My reasoning being it was only one year and what would I miss out on, really? I'd be sober at times when I'd usually be drinking, but so what when there was always next year, right?
I opted out of having kids so unlike most women, I hadn't and wouldn't be giving up drinking for a pregnancy. A part of my motivation was that a year really wasn't that huge.
Plus determination came from what I began to discover and recognise about alcohol as a substance and a social norm. During the times I was tempted to give up on my task, and still now, I rely on my rebellious will that says no to systematic suppression.
As Spring arrived, I'd celebrated six birthdays sober; best mates' and my boyfriend's, including a 30th and a 40th.
A few things to note.
Nobody else got as excited about their drinks as me.
ESPRESSO MARTINI MOCKTAIL!
BUBBLE TEA!
(This might be because no one gets as excited as me about many things.)
Regardless, I still danced, laughed and had fun.
I felt great at 2am and I felt great at 8am too.
Most people won't even notice that you're not getting drunk/ drinking alcohol.
Some can get fixations on your sobriety and it becomes more of a problem for them than for you, and maybe it's because it is their problem, not yours.
I gained an opportunity to be an example that alcohol is not a necessity for fun. It's not a necessity for anything. Before I thought it was. Now I knew, for me anyway, it definitely wasn't.
I also started to look forward to and plan nights out involving amazing food, finding a deeper appreciation for sensations like taste and a dining experience.
New challenges were approaching, with May bringing around my own birthday and also a festival. By now, I felt an increased confidence with sobriety and I was also experiencing physical and mental changes.
I'd noticed clothes were getting loose and when I weighed myself I was stunned to see I was a stone lighter than usual.
Actually, what I forgot to mention, in the first and second month I craved cakes, chocolate and sweets more than ever in my life. I assume my body was attempting to replace a sudden loss of sugar but the urges subsided and I got a grip on them.
Watching the Spalding Flower Parade it occurred to me that a year ago I would have done this but I'd have likely been boozing as well. No, I would have been.
What I'd discovered was a whole spectrum of enjoyment for things.
Before, alcohol had blanketed everything. It had stolen the credit for my joy. When my joy existed anyway.
Slamdunk was my first festival experience as a sober adult. And by now I'd also rediscovered (had I ever felt it before?) a love for driving. The freedom! Actually I don't think I have ever appreciated it before because I always chose to drink and therefore rely on other transport options.
So knowing at the end of the day I was going to drive us all home again helped counter any creeping angst about being sober amongst crowds, in queues and at the mercy of the elements. If I really, really hated it, I could leave.
I realised drunk people and especially crowds of them, intimidate a sober me slightly. They can be boisterous and ignorant but I acknowledged nothing was different other than my own capacity for awareness. At least I was in a position to react and respond in a way I was happy with.
That festival was just a day event but not long after, came two that involved camping. One of those was a sober festival, (you can read about Community here) the other a regular, mainstream affair. Both taught me plenty more about a booze-free life.
A big thing that stands out is how drunk I still felt, and feel, at times without a drop of alcohol.
Numerous times I've found myself stumbling and feeling, for want of a better word, tipsy.
Elated, carefree, disoriented and high combined, and none of it fuelled by or accounted to booze.
One of the most significant things I began to recognise from Spring onwards is how much headspace the whole act of drinking had consumed.
And the impact of releasing it has been a more fulfilling experience of life on the whole.
My money, my time and my energy have all been redirected away from one act, allowing me to spend it all on a variety of other things and those things have been good for me.
There was always so much planning involved with alcohol and decisions to be made. Should I book a taxi, allocating money, deciding on timings, making sure I had something proper to eat - this might sound petty but for me eating can be really tricky. Excitement often overrides my appetite or ability to even eat and since I'm no longer planning on drinking alcohol, I'm happy to go on an empty tummy and eat later on when my body has regulated itself.
Before, I'd have drank regardless and over the years I've experienced many disastrous consequences.
It is all just so freeing knowing I have that kind of control in my life. I've gained a level of security and trust in myself that I could never have comprehended would exist. And now that I have it, I'm unsure I ever want to give it up.
There are so, so many things, a broad spectrum of things, subtle, tiny and bigger that have changed and the build-up of many things overall - over time - has resulted in a version of me and my life that looks and feels so monumentally different to this time last year.
My mind feels sharper. Feelings of anxiety and depression have significantly reduced. My emotions are more balanced and my capacity for handling stress, impatience, frustration and excitement has increased. At this point I have to remind you of my starting place - I have always battled with these things to an extreme level and still have some intense difficulties, but(!) there are drastic improvements and a pace of personal growth that has never been achieved before, despite dedication and commitment to areas like exercise, diet, mental health and wellbeing in the past.
The ironic thing is, going booze-free has freed up space in my life for more activities that include exercising, more activities that involve developing my mind, my wellbeing and overall health.
I've not saved money. I've spent the money freed up on myself and trying stuff I usually wouldn't have afforded. I'd have usually been prioritising alcohol.
I feel healthier all round and I'm finding it so much easier to make other alterations, paving the way to more new habits for the future.
Again, my starting point was not the most healthiest and back then I felt overwhelmed by all the changes that I wanted to make and the picture is not complete. I still feel like I'm battling to keep my ducks in a row but overall everything feels a little easier and more natural.
Being booze free gave me the money, the energy, the time and the space for things to happen.
My thinking has totally rewired after prioritising drinking my whole life.
I did not notice this overnight and it did not happen after quitting for 1 or even 2 months. By months 3 and 4 I could see and feel differences and this got progressively more bolstering. By month 8 and 9 it really is huge to reflect on how everything has changed.
At the beginning of the year, I questioned whether alcohol might become a problem for me in the future.
The answer is, my worries were founded because what I've come to realise is, alcohol was already a problem.
So do I need it? Will I ever go back?
I really don't know the answer to that until 2023 is finished.